No, well, I'm worried about my mother. She is so tired and has been through so much, and now she's got me to worry about. I made her say yes to going to see Dr. Lovering tomorrow, and I will drive her myself if I have to. Dr. Fuller, the surgeon, whom I also saw yesterday, told me I could drive short distances if my "mind is clear" (that's a loaded question of late; someday I'll tell that story). Basically he was referring to the confusion and hallucinations I suffered in the 9 days in the hospital. I guess. Anyway, I'll drive her if I have to. She needs care. So much to worry about, so little time ....
Oh, now Obama on national health care. I've never really believed his heart was into that issue. I hope it is, and I hope it happens, but I don't see how we can pay for it. We're trillions of dollars in debt! One thing I know: I won't benefit from it. If it ever happens, I'll be ashes in an urn lying at my parents' feet, my soul maybe flying around a heaven with all those I love who have gone before me (gad, I'm really an agnostic ... shudder). Or I'll just be nothing, a pile of ashes down there with the worms. Or, knowing me & my luck, I'll be one of those confused ghosts who can't figure out they're dead and/or can't find the light to walk into. I'll be like Vincent Schiavelli (I miss that guy) in "Ghost", all angry on the subway. If we had a subway.
But I won't benefit from universal health care. No, I'll be gone by then. I don't want to think about being "gone" ... What did George Carlin say? Something like, "but I won't have to die ... I'll 'pass away' ... or I'll 'expire', like a magazine subscription. Shit. I hate think about this. I'm a movie guy, so when I think of death the oddest image comes to me: Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator being lowered into the iron in 'Terminator II', his hand up in goodbye, and then the screen just going black. Except I won't see the screen go black because my consciousness will be gone. Or will I? I have a videotape I've never watched, out of fear and superstition and obsession/compulsion or some such weird, freaky aspect of my nature .... a documentary miniseries that was on PBS or something a dozen years ago or so ... called "Death: The Trip Of A Lifetime". Maybe I should dig that out and watch it. Nah, not yet. There's still a battle to be fought. A battle with lousy odds but a battle nevertheless, and I have to try. I just have to. Like sending up your worst hitting pitcher as a pinch hitter, like somebody with an .050 average. But, hey, he has a CHANCE to come through! A lousy chance but a chance. So I'll sign off on that positive note. I have to try to stay positive. I have to. Positive. Positive. Spurn negativity. That dude, that Kyle Lohse, Cardinals (3 for 51 ; .059), has a CHANCE to sneak a single through that infield. You never know.
Peace.
